CHELSEA'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

INTRODUCTION

I woke up this soggy Sunday morning, washed my face and threw on the same pair of jeans and the same sweater I had worn the day before.  I don't know when this started, this wearing the same thing two days in a row.  I used to wear a pair of jeans, then into the laundry they would go that evening, lifeless, dulling, but clean.  Never have I stunk, that I know of.  I remember being painfully aware of the odors coming from kids sitting around me in late grade school, and constantly stopping in the bathroom to sniff my underarms to see if it might be me, but it never was.  As an adult, I sort of felt cheated because I never really NEEDED deodorant; however, the ads for all the pretty little bottles and scents and all the pretty women with their arms in the air smoothing on a white, invisible barrier that smelled like the ocean or the breeze, sucked me in.  Now it is just a habit, and at this stage in my life when hormones are drying up and hair is growing where it never did before, I really am not in the mood to experiment with not using deodorant.  I'm pretty sure nobody else wants me to, either.  

So, really, I do know when this laundry compulsion eased up.  One day my local newspaper was interviewing me for a public opinion piece.  See?  I also do not have the slightest idea how I became a local celebrity worthy of interviews.  Anyway, somehow the subject came up about laundry detergent, all the different brands/smells/miracles they perform, yada, yada, yada.  I happened to mention that I used to never wear the same thing twice, that my clothing had to be laundered after one wear, no matter how long I had them on.  The reporter, who looked about twelve said, "So, you grew up and suddenly became aware of what damage you were doing to the planet?"  And I answered, "Uh, no, that's not it at all.  I noticed that the cost of detergent had skyrocketed, my jeans were wearing out too fast from all the washing, meaning I would have to break in a new pair, which I hate to do with a passion, and I never stink.  Panties and socks are the total exception...panties and socks have no compromise when it comes to washing those, you know what I mean?"


She was not quite sure how to process that information, probably grossed out even thinking about an older woman's panties, and we moved on to other more compelling subjects like, "What do you think of George Clooney?" (and for the record, I think he is totally hot)!  I guess the interview really began to fizzle when the reporter realized I had nothing glamorous to tell, was just a plain Jane, small town girl who couldn't even be bothered to put on an unworn pair of jeans and makeup for her big break into super stardom, which the reporter was vain enough to think she could drive, getting her out of this little teensy weensy rural town.  Why she chose me, I will never know.  The only thing I did was follow the sun one day.

CHAPTER ONE


Snowflakes and sunsets are just alike in that no two are ever alike.  And before you go Googling to find out who made that profound statement, I will just go ahead and tell you it was me.  I say profound things like that sometimes.  They just form in my brain and come out my mouth.  My mama used to call me her "Happy Guru."  One day I made the mistake, or had the good fortune, whichever way you want to view it, of posting that little tidbit of information about myself on my Facebook page:  Chelsea is..."thinking about when her mama used to call her her Happy Guru."  And it took off.


You know how sometimes things take on a life of their own and you just simply have no way of seeing the reason?  That is how I became a reluctant Alice and formed my very own Wonderland on a cool late-March Spring day in rural Indiana. Mama used to call me her Happy Guru.  Bye-bye everything that makes sense, and hello hole in the ground with a psychotic rabbit residing there.  Welcome to Chelsea's big adventures in her own out of control Wonderland.