Sunday, May 23, 2010


It was not so long ago that everything in my life seemed to be falling apart, and in response to that was my instinct to flee.  The fight or flight situation was a no-brainer.  Flight was winning out, and it was an uncomfortable feeling.  

There are a few situations that assure you will not feel at home in your own skin, in your own house, in anyone else's house, or even sitting on top of the picnic table in your own back yard.  No matter how many new clothes you buy, they never feel right.  No matter how little you eat, you still gain weight. And finally you have to do something drastic because it really feels worse than uncomfortable when you finally realize you are spiraling out of control, and buying all those airline tickets to try to find a spot to make you happy is breaking you up.

That happened to me.  One day I sat very still for many hours.  I let my brain go wild.  I thought of all the horrible things that had happened to me until the tears were flowing, then I finally allowed myself to look around me at my little house that is very old and needs more work than I will ever be able to put into it, at my two dogs who had never moved from my side the whole time I was in meditation and contemplation, my back yard that is visible from my small but comfortable bedroom with its many trees and flowers that seem to grow for me just on the nourishment of a loving whisper.  I let my eyes slowly move over the many framed photographs of my family and friends, listened again to some phone messages left by friends (sometimes I just cannot erase them and find myself listening to their voices in times of trouble).  And it was when I looked at all the photos of my grandchildren, the links to my DNA being passed on that my psyche met my soul and the most contented feeling washed over me.  It started in the top of my head, I felt it in the palate of my mouth, like something tasteless but delicious was filling my mouth.  I felt that contentment settle into my hands and legs and feet as an ointment that eases pain.  But then it settled into my heart.  A pulsing, glowing pink, blue, green, red swirling rainbow.  My heart stopped for a second, paused long enough to allow that rainbow to soak in before pumping it through the rest of my body.

And total contentment with my situation, my place in this world took over and every breath of it was sweet as fresh-mowed grass on a warm spring day.  

My heart sang!  My voice shouted, "Look at me!  Look at us!  I have found it finally!  I have found the reason why I should keep my roots growing here in my own place.  Now, though traveling is still very much a hobby of mine that I will never give up, I have learned that the root system just grows out and holds on, taking me back home one day to worship my life, my worship my little piece of the earth.

And so yesterday, I drove all around town gathering the grandchildren.  What started as an adventure with well-rested, excited people, big and small, ended late last night with everyone dirty, smelly, sunburned, and with at least one person in the group who goes by "Gramma," dead bone weary exhausted, but smiling even as she downed a pain pill and got into a hot shower at the ungodly hour of 1 a.m.  

With the overnighter tucked away in his bed after a warm bath, snoring a little as he drifted into the deep recesses of his little 5-year-old boy dreams, I managed to get one leg into my bed and hoist myself the rest of the way by grabbing Grampa's arm, before falling into the deepest sleep I have ever been in.

Following are a few pictures of the lights of my life, my grandkids.

The Crew:  Abigail, Kaylee, Tori, and David.

Is there any better excuse for being here?  I can't think of one!


Tracy said...

Beautiful photos. So glad you are happy and having a fun weekend. xxoo

Magpie said...

Glad you found your way back to happiness and purpose. You have beautiful grandchildren and I'm sure they'll remember this day for all their lives and talk about it among themselves when they get together years from now. "Do you remember that day Gramma took us..."