Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Welcoming Elsworth

He has two plants in his yard that sort of just appeared from nowhere, he tells her, but they are conveniently and beautifully thriving in two exactly parallel beds on each side of the sidewalk leading to his garage.

One fine Spring afternoon, a Sunday when the sky was dotted with those beautiful cotton candy-like white fluffy clouds, she just happened to mention Myrtle in an off-handed way; something like, "Myrtle could really use a bath."

He looked at her and said, "Who is Myrtle?"

"Oh," she answered, totally unaware of just how insane it was going to sound to say, "The car...you know? Green Ford Focus? Rounded back? Myrtle. As in Myrtle of Myrtle the Turtle fame. Get it?"

She shielded her hand over her eyes to shade the sun, winked her left eye closed and glanced up at him and he laughed at her.

After a little playful punch-throwing and slapping and rock throwing and wrestling until she was finally cussing and angry and he was using the pin-her-to-the-ground-to-keep-from-being-severely-injured tactic, they climbed into Myrtle and drove the half-block to his house, dragged out all the car washing tools, including the Turtle Wax, which they giggled about, and set out to bathe their baby.

When he pointed the hose at her and she was sprayed with cold water, she backed up and he suddenly yelled, "My God, don't step on Helen!!"

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned slowly to look behind herself, and nobody was there.

"What are you talking about?" she screamed! "You scared me half to death!"

"Helen, down there."

She looked down and all she saw was a nice-sized hens-in-a-basket plant, resembling the ones her grandmother grew. She became engrossed in the memories that plant brought to mind then, squatting down and cooing at it and said, "My grandmother used to grow these! I loved them! They remind me of her! Uh, wait a minute...THIS is Helen? It's a PLANT."

He smiled and said, with ceremony and pride, "And meet Louise."

Louise was growing with fervor on the other side of the walk, very proud and every bit as large as Helen.

Then he pointed to Helen's side and practically swooned with pride, "That's their baby! When he gets big enough, you can take him home if you want."

She contemplated that and then asked, "I thought you said their names were Helen and Louise. How did they have a baby?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "They're lesbians but they did the artificial insemination thing."

They laughed and went about the day, and a couple of weeks later, she returned to check on the growth of her baby plant, and he came out of the house with a little pot and a trowel and handed them to her. "He's ready," he told her. "Go ahead and break up the little family while Helen and Louise aren't paying attention."

She dug the little start up and headed home, walking, down the alley behind his house, while he kept the two gay hens-in-a-basket plants distracted, to her own house where she had already prepared a bed by the Beach House.

After setting the little plant into his place she said, "Chloe, Dandy, welcome Elsworth."

She marked his territory with decorative stones with such peaceful words on them as Peace, Beauty, Sunshine, and left Elsworth to bond with his new friends and family in the quietness of her back yard, impatiently awaiting the day when Helen and Louise would produce another offspring, already named Mary, for her to bring home to keep little Elsworth company and hopefully produce many little grandchildren for their parents down the road.


Tracy said...

Not to throw a wet blanket (or wet T-shirt) on things, but lesbians can't have babies. Just thought I would point that out. :-)

Tracy said...

Home Wrecker!

Tracy said...

AI would have to have been done by...a Bee.